Mission NBC: How to save Sochi
This will be the first winter Olympics since Nagano where I haven’t been the I.V. Press’ curling writer and color analyst for CNBC’s 3 a.m. simulcast of the luge mixed team qualifiers.
The powers that be have asked me to sit this one out in protest against the Russian government’s insistence that 70 percent of the Sochi Media Village’s menus consist of borscht. Sadly, the American media tour rider for hotdogs and tacos was rejected as gay propaganda.
But, I’ve made a lot of contacts over the years, and on Thursday afternoon, one of my best sources forwarded me some emails between top execs at NBC Universal Sports. For the second consecutive Olympics, they are trying to figure out how to make the games matter in the era of streaming Internet, and their turmoil is pretty clear.
Mark Lazarus, chairman of NBC Universal Sports, New York City:
Gary, what the holy hell is going on over there? Stray dogs, unfinished buildings, foreign visitors nowhere to be found, “The Flying Tomato” is a no-show, and now I hear there’s no checking in women’s ice hockey?
Gary Zenkel, president, NBC Sports Olympics, Sochi, Russia:
Look Mark, we’ve got our own set of issues; some that are just coming up. We’re 12 hours from airing the opening ceremonies that took place two days ago, and Putin’s goons are making demands in post-production. His minister of manly affairs, Boris Butchniakov, is demanding we edit out all of the American team’s entrance footage into the arena, or blur out their jackets. He said it’s common knowledge in Russia that anything designed by Ralph Lauren is extra swishy and is punishable by imprisonment.
Mark Lazarus:
Just get creative with the editing. Those jackets are hideous anyway, and no one will notice if they are blurred. Those things look like a state fair craft exhibit had sex with a Tea Party rave and had a baby. Next issue.
We’re going to get our butts handed to us by “Mike and Molly” if we can’t figure out a way to spice this thing up. Everything’s snow and skies and blades; I’m so over this. Isn’t everyone sick of the Jamaican bobsled team already? Unless Usain Bolt is pushing, “Cool Runnings” happened in 1993 and John Candy is dead. End of story. Fat guy loses. I need ideas.
Gary:
Well, we’ve got all of these dogs hanging around here. … OK, don’t freak; hear me out. In 2004, during the Athens summer games, we had the same problem with all of these strays. They would jump up on the craft service table and lick the deli trays, pee all over the power units and short out our video-editing trailers. This one time, an entire pack cornered guest analyst Bruce Jenner and attacked him. If it hadn’t been for all of those face lifts, those dogs might have left a mark. Thankfully, Bruce had no nerves left in his forehead, so he didn’t feel a thing.
What I’m getting at is, we had to clear out the NBC Sports compound, and it occurred to me that this would make a really good reality sports hunting series. Isn’t that what the Russian government is already doing?
We could film it, edit it as a competition and award a trumped-up medal to the Russian cop who brings in the most wild dog pelts? I’d watch that. Must-see TV.
Mark:
What’s wrong with you, man? That is just sick. How in God’s name could we live with ourselves? How could my wife and I continue to summer in the Hamptons with Sarah McLachlan? She’s already an insufferable bore. If she talks about pet adoption during dinner one more time, someone is getting stabbed with a shrimp fork.
I need something better. Safer.
Gary:
OK, what about we use the media housing units being in shambles? It’s like a construction zone over here. Nothing is finished, there are nails everywhere, one of those dopes from the Associated Press thought Sochi hospitality crews had laid out a spread of hummus. Turns out, it was grout. He’s been backed up for two days.
We could make this into one of those home improvement-type shows, fly in Ty Pennington from “Extreme Home Makeover,” hang some medals on the team that can best install a granite countertop or make the showers not back up.
Mark:
That’s more like it. Now what can we do about Bob Costas? I can’t take much more of that guy’s melodrama, but he’s got a contract through Pyeongchang, Korea, in 2018. Maybe we can talk offline about him getting “lost” in Rio in 2016. They have stray dogs there, right?
This column first appeared in the Imperial Valley Press, Feb. 7, 2014.